How I Gained My Confidence
People often compliment me on how confident I am, and sometimes when they do, I think of the times I lacked confidence. Because I know truly gaining my confidence was a process, I wanted to share some thoughts on how I built mine for folks looking to do the same.
What is confidence?
The Webster definition of confidence is “full of conviction” and as a secondary definition, “having or showing assurance and self-reliance”.
I view confidence as having faith in my abilities, in who I am as a person, and my intrinsic self worth. Knowing that even if I may fail, the failure isn’t a reflection of me being less great. More times than not, the failure provided me with learning opportunities to grow and enhance my skills. In line with this, believing in my intrinsic self worth, I navigate the world with a little more pep in my step. I no longer shrink myself in public spaces, constantly apologizing for simply existing in the space. I deserve to be here and only apologize when I’ve done something to warrant it (ie: stepping on someone’s foot).
Confidence can look and feel so many different ways. I occasionally see people fall into the trap of thinking that confidence has to be boisterous and in your face. That’s not the case. For example, my brother and I are both confident, but we carry ourselves differently. My brother is quiet and reserved while I’m more talkative and sometimes boisterous. Differences in our personalities mean that we interact with the world in our own particular ways. Both of us are confident, but the confidence may be shown in sometimes contrasting ways.
How did I build my confidence?
Doing things that put me outside of my comfort zone
Setting stretch goals — accomplishing goals that I originally thought may be out of my reach, has helped me have faith in my abilities whenever I experience another task that I’m unsure about.
Tweaking my ways of existing — these changes help me reinforce the fact that I belong in the spaces I’m in. Whenever I would over-apologize, I realized I was signaling to myself and the world that I had something to be sorry for. Shrinking myself a little every time.
Surrounding myself with people I respect and admire and who I know will be honest with me
I know this isn’t a guarantee, but surrounding myself with people I admire and respect has significantly boosted my confidence. Not only do these people often praise me, but they also come to me for advice. These facts sometimes take me aback, but it’s also a strong reminder to myself that I’m likely more awesome than I usually give myself credit for. So much so that even people I look up to value my opinions. These small reminders sprinkled throughout life serve as mini confidence boosts.
Keeping a personal and work Brag Book
It’s easy to forget about all the amazing things you do, so I keep a running list. Not only does this aid me during appraisal season at work, it’s a sturdy confidence boost whenever I read through the compliments I’ve received alongside the various goals I’ve accomplished.
Choosing to only work in places where I have psychological safety
When you’ve become used to working at places that lack psychological safety, it’s easy to think that a better option doesn’t exist out there. But trust me, it does. It may take some work to find, but there are workplaces out there that will accept you for you, allow you to make (calculated) mistakes, welcome your questions, and nourish you so you can grow to your full potential. We spend the majority of our lives at work (unfortunately haha) so making sure this space is not a space where you feel the need to shrink yourself can work wonders for your confidence.
Mentoring and/or sharing knowledge with those around me
There have been times in my life where I have felt like I didn’t have anything of value to share with folks. This can happen for any number of reasons, but this feeling often coincides with me being in a “drink from the fire hose” phase of my life where I’m having to learn swiftly in an environment that is completely new to me. This feeling is likely because I’m in a take, take, take mode as I gobble up knowledge. So to combat this, I work to find ways that I can give. It could be me teaching folks about the new topics that I’m learning about or a completely different topic that I consider myself to be well versed in. Being able to enrich someone else’s life, no matter how small, is a reminder to myself that I have an abundance of value to provide to folks.
Building confidence takes time, but it’s a worthwhile investment. What are some things you’ve done to increase your confidence? Comment below.